“I have to return these because I’m having a girl”: Beyond Gender Identity

Posted on April 23, 2012 by zoeweil
Image courtesy of [F]oxymoron via Creative Commons.

I was with a friend who was exchanging some clothes at Target, and I overheard the person ahead of us in the returns and exchanges line explaining that she had to exchange a bunch of items because she found out that the baby she was carrying was a girl, not a boy, as she’d first been told.

She said she needed to get pink now instead of blue. She had purchased a big navy blue plastic bucket, a small turquoise throw rug, and a toy truck. Her new items were the same big plastic bucket, now in pink, a pink throw rug, and a tiny dress.

Although this woman’s actions were not unusual, I found myself startled by the attachment we still have to forced gender identification. Her baby won’t likely care much about the color of the throw rug and bucket for some time, if ever. Nor will she care one whit about the dress, which she will outgrow by 6 months old. And she might well have liked that truck in the years to come, but she probably won’t ever get one now.

I remember when my son was four, and we were going to paint his room. We let him choose the color. At the time, his favorite color was pink – bubblegum pink. Pink hasn’t been his favorite color for 13 years, but somehow, we never got around to repainting his room. It didn’t matter.

What does matter is whether this woman’s baby will be loved and cherished; whether her curiosity and wonder will be nourished; whether the world she grows up in will be fair and healthy and just and humane; whether she will be able to discern good from bad and become wise and generous; whether stores like Target will be filled with products and clothes that come at the expense of other children, other species, and the environment. And so much more.

I wish that mom-to-be had just kept her blue bucket and turquoise throw rug and truck and allowed the child she bears to lead her toward choices that reflect that child’s individuality, proclivities, and interests, and not those dictated by silly social norms.

For a humane world,

Zoe Weil, President, Institute for Humane Education
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind, and The Power and Promise of Humane Education
My TEDx talk: “The World Becomes What You Teach“

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Tips for Raising Humane Kids

Posted on February 8, 2012 by zoeweil
For my blog post today, I wanted to share a guest post I wrote for the veg parenting blog, Raising Veg Kids. Here’s an excerpt from “Tips for Raising Humane Kids”:

“When asked about their deepest hopes for their children, most parents don’t mention elite colleges, the best outfits, high SAT scores, athletic prowess, or future prom queens. Above all, most parents want their children to be happy and kind. They want them to have abiding values that will carry them through life and enable them to be good, hard-working, successful people whom others like and respect. They want them to make healthy and wise choices and put their talents and skills into practice in meaningful ways. In a word, they want their children to be humane, embodying the best qualities of human beings.

Raising a humane child is challenging in today’s world. Parents are often raising their children in opposition to cultural norms. While today’s society promotes materialism, junk food, myopia, and endless competition, many parents want their children to experience wonder, to be healthy and wise, and to learn to collaborate. These parents are often trying to inculcate awe, compassion, gratitude and respect for self and others (including the natural world and other species), while their culture is busy producing ever more entitled,“screen-addicted” teenagers. It’s not an easy task to raise children even within a culture that supports one’s values, but it’s much harder when one’s deepest values are contradicted daily, in school, through the media, and within mainstream culture.”

Read the complete post.

For a humane world,

Zoe Weil, President, Institute for Humane Education
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind, and The Power and Promise of Humane Education
My TEDx talk: “The World Becomes What You Teach“

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3 Tips for Helping Raise Kids to Serve

Posted on January 23, 2012 by zoeweil
Image courtesy of Alameda County Community Food Bank
via Creative Commons.

For my blog post today, I’m sharing a recent post I wrote for One Green Planet, a website dedicated to ethical choices. Here’s an excerpt from “3 Tips for Helping Raise Kids to Serve”:

“It is always unnerving to me when I meet middle and upper middle class teenagers who don’t feel a sense of responsibility or a desire to improve the world, help the poor, protect the vulnerable (whether human or nonhuman), make humane choices, or be of service to others. Our culture today seems to foster a sense of entitlement that I find damaging not only to our world, but to our children whose lives are diminished by a focus too intent upon the self.

So how does one foster a service ethic and sense of responsibility toward others among children? Waiting until the teen years is often too late. Service should begin very early on.”

Read the complete post.

For a humane world,

Zoe Weil, President, Institute for Humane Education
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind, and The Power and Promise of Humane Education
My TEDx talk: “The World Becomes What You Teach“

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What the Teachers Are Themselves

Posted on August 17, 2011 by zoeweil

For my blog post today, I’m sharing a recent post I wrote for Care2.com, an online community for people passionate about creating a better world. Here’s an excerpt from What the Teachers Are Themselves:

“There’s a couplet by Rudyard Kipling that shines a sometimes too bright light on one of the biggest truths we educators must confront:

No printed word, nor spoken plea can teach young minds what they should be.
Not all the books on all the shelves – but what the teachers are themselves.

Mahatma Gandhi said something similar when asked by a reporter, “What is your message?” and he replied that his life was his message.

And my wise friend and the director of the Institute for Humane Education’s graduate programs, Mary Pat Champeau, has always reminded me that in our role as parents, nothing matters more than modeling the behaviors we hope to cultivate in our children. (In other words, we must not yell at our children to stop yelling.)

… There are few professions in which being a truly great human being and embodying the best qualities of humanity (compassion, wisdom, kindness, curiosity, generosity, courage, perseverance and so on) is part of the job description, but teaching is one of them.”

For a humane world,

Zoe Weil, President, Institute for Humane Education
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind, and The Power and Promise of Humane Education
My TEDx talk: “The World Becomes What You Teach“

Image courtesy of Gamma Man via Creative Commons.

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If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em or… Transformation at Fifty

Posted on July 25, 2011 by zoeweil

My son is about to turn eighteen. For his eighteenth birthday he plans to get a tattoo. Although I like the image he’s chosen – of a rock climber silhouetted against a gorgeous setting sun – I don’t think getting a tattoo at eighteen is wise. I’ve told him so in every possible way. I’ve provided every reason I can think of to wait until he’s older. To no avail. All I’ve created is friction between us.

He was studying Spanish and living with a family in Uruguay for five weeks earlier this summer, and while he was gone, I had a change of heart. Others helped me to realize that getting a tattoo, especially of an image that my son (who’s been rock climbing since he was five) has loved for almost two years now, is a form of self-expression. While it’s true that some may judge him negatively because of it, I cannot know whether there might be others who judge him positively.

So I let go of my antipathy toward this inevitability, and I told my husband, and he said…

“Maybe I’ll get a tattoo.”

You would have to know my husband to know how shocking this comment was; but my response to him was even more shocking, even to me:

“Maybe I will, too.”

Maybe I will too?! I have always said that I would never get a tattoo. I’ve never much liked them; I don’t like pain, and I’m always changing, so I can’t imagine ever wanting a permanent mark on my body. I couldn’t believe I said this. It made no sense.

And then, as the days went on I found myself realizing that I would do this strange thing, so unlike me, so tremendously out of character.

When we next Skyped our son in Uruguay, I told him about my change of heart about his tattoo, and he said, “So you want me to get it?” I responded that I didn’t want him to get it, but that I no longer felt he shouldn’t, and that I accepted his getting it if he wanted to. And then my husband said that we were planning to get tattoos on his birthday, too, and he was so psyched to have his parents join him during this odd family bonding rite of passage for his eighteenth birthday.

I’m planning on getting a luna moth tattoo. The symbolism works for someone who believes she will always be changing, because nothing represents the capacity for transformation to me more than a caterpillar spinning a cocoon, dissolving into genetic goo, and then changing into a completely different being (one who flies!) out of the same DNA. Plus luna moths only live for a week, reminding me that all we have is the present moment. Life is fleeting. Make it beautiful and meaningful each day and don’t worry about what’s ahead that we have no control over. Plus, if ever there was a constant in my life it’s my love of animals. That’s not changing, so an animal tattoo is fitting.

And if nothing else, this tattoo is a reminder that even at 50, I can transform from a person who disliked tattoos and would have bet money I’d never, ever, EVER get one, into someone who is planning to go under the proverbial needle in a couple of weeks.

Zoe Weil, President, Institute for Humane Education
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind, and The Power and Promise of Humane Education
My TEDx talk: “The World Becomes What You Teach“

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Zoe Weil Guest Post on Eco Child’s Play: We Must Raise Compassionate, Conscientious Children

Posted on February 16, 2010 by zoeweil

Zoe has a guest post over at Eco Child’s Play, a blog focused on green parenting. Zoe’s post challenges parents to raise conscientious and compassionate children. Here’s an excerpt:

“We parents can resist cultural messages that are shallow and lack meaning and deep purpose, but it is no easy task. As if raising children weren’t hard enough, raising deeply humane children in a culture replete with materialism, endless competition, greed, either/or thinking and myopia, is profoundly challenging. We cannot do it without a deep personal commitment to modeling humane values, without a community of like-minded parents, without schools and teachers that support and reinforce our great purpose, and with endlessly blaring media messages that undermine our values at every turn.”

Read the entire post.

In March, the Institute for Humane Education is offering a month-long distance learning course for parents who want to raise compassionate, conscientious children. Raising a Humane Child starts March 1. Register now!

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