Cultivating Patience and Perspective

When I wrote Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times, I explored a number of virtues that people listed as the best qualities of human beings. The list I’d gathered was long, and I narrowed it down to ten. Fortunately, “patience” wasn’t in the top ten. I say fortunately because I wasn’t sure how I would write about a quality I possessed so little of.

I tend to be a rather reactive person, reacting quickly and sometimes fiercely to things, especially to injustice or cruelty. There are good aspects to this quality. I’m able to work passionately, speedily, and efficiently, to get a lot done, and often to get what I want (I mean that only in the best ways!). But sometimes, it’s not such a good quality. I can get angry too easily, lose perspective, and catastrophize. And because I don’t possess much patience, I too often fail to wait, compose myself, and respond wisely.

And so I surprised myself a few weeks ago when I was in Chicago. I’d flown there on a Friday afternoon with plans to fly home Sunday. I had rented a car, driven nearly two hours to Valparaiso University in Indiana, where I was keynoting a Peace and Justice Symposium and leading a workshop the next day. Following the symposium, I drove back to Chicago to perform my 1-woman show at Northwestern University.

Everything had gone beautifully, but it was an intense day, and after the show, as I was packing up my props, I realized that I didn’t have my wallet. I must have left it in the car, I thought, but when I got to the car it was nowhere to be found. My wallet had everything in it: my I.D., money, credit cards, even my cell phone.

Yet, I found myself remaining so calm.

Although it wasn’t in the building’s lost and found, nor anywhere in the room where I’d performed (at least as far as I could see), I still didn’t find myself reacting very strongly. It would be a pain to lose my wallet, that’s for sure, and I’d have to figure out a lot of things in order to get home the next day, but I knew it would all resolve itself. Then, just as I was about to leave the room and abandon the search, a group of students began reorganizing the space for the next event. When a guy moved the table I’d used on the stage area, there was my wallet underneath. What a relief.

There were a few other mishaps that night, including having trouble finding the hotel where I’d be staying, not having change for the automated toll both (necessitating getting info from the car rental company about the car to pay the toll online the next day), leaving my phone in the rental car, and waiting for quite a long time to be checked in at the hotel; but I didn’t have big reactions to any of these things either.

The next morning, as I waited for my first flight to Philadelphia, I received an email. My plane from Philly to Bangor had been cancelled. I would not be getting home that night. Oh well. No big reaction then, either.

What had happened to me? Where was the impatient, reactive Zoe?

Over the years, I’ve tried quite hard to cultivate patience, calm, serenity, and perspective. I travel too often – with too many travel mishaps, including frequent overnights in cities that were supposed to serve only for connecting flights – to keep reacting as if these mishaps are a big deal. I’ve learned that they are not catastrophes.

I remind myself, over and over and over again, about how very privileged I am; that I will have food to eat and a place to lay my head and I have nothing – NOTHING – to complain about in the big scheme of things.

And this is something I think that those of us with food to eat and a home and enough money to meet our needs must keep reminding ourselves. Patience and perspective are qualities worth cultivating. Fortunately, like most virtues, they will not only serve us but everyone whose lives we impact.

Serenely yours,

Zoe

Zoe Weil, President, Institute for Humane Education
Author of Most Good, Least Harm; Above All, Be Kind; and The Power and Promise of Humane Education
My TEDxDirigo talk: “The World Becomes What You Teach
My TEDxConejo talk: “Solutionaries”
My TEDxYouth@CEHS “How to Be a Solutionary”

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My Dogs Are in the 1 Percent

The other day, when my husband and I were in the woods with our dogs, and they were joyfully running and playing and sniffing and scratching, I commented that our dogs are definitely in the 1 percent. My husband was quick to point out that they were in the .01 percent. I said, “like Warren Buffett,” and he agreed. Our dogs’ lives are just so good, and they even have live-in, full-time, free health care because my husband is a veterinarian.

It was interesting to realize what constituted life in the 1 percent for a dog. It was pretty simple. Our dogs are in the 1 percent because they live in a beautiful place where they get to run freely and play to their hearts’ content, exploring woods and fields and swimming in ponds and the ocean. They are in the 1 percent because they’re rarely left alone and have someone to pet them, brush them, feed them, and play with them every day of their lives. They are in the 1 percent because they have adequate and nutritious food and good care when they’re ill. They are in the 1 percent because they are sheltered in a home, protected from the elements, and have a comfortable place to sleep and rest. They’re in the 1 percent because they have one another and are never lonely. And they are in the 1 percent because there are just so many dogs all over the world who are abandoned, caged, abused, neglected, hungry, lonely, scared, and homeless.

Dogs don’t have very extravagant wants. Some dogs other than ours might have fancier dog beds, collars, and leashes. They might have more expensive toys or elaborate dog houses, but they aren’t in a percentage more elite than my dogs, because dogs don’t care about such things. To be in the 1 percent, all a dog needs are what’s described above.

The concept of the 1 percent and the 99 percent, made so popular and powerful by the Occupy movement would, I believe, vanish, if the 99 percent all had their basic needs met. Would we really care that someone made millions each year as long as everyone had shelter, adequate food, clean water, economic opportunity, health care, access to their energy needs, and basic freedoms of speech, religion, assembly, and petition? As long as everyone was free from abuse, cruelty, exploitation, and oppression?

I look forward to the day when we don’t pay much attention to the 1 percent because we’ll all have our needs met and all be able to pursue our dreams and all be contributing to a healthy and just world. I look forward to the day when the 99% means just this.

~ Zoe

Zoe Weil, President, Institute for Humane Education
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind, and The Power and Promise of Humane Education
My TEDxConejo talk: “Solutionaries”
My TEDxDirigo talk: “The World Becomes What You Teach
My TEDxYouth@BFS “Educating for Freedom”

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Authentic Patriotism

I just watched a fantastic TEDx talk by Stephen Kiernan on “Authentic Patriotism” (also the title of his book which I will be reading). He echoes so much of what we at the Institute for Humane Education teach. Enjoy:

For a humane world,

Zoe Weil, President, Institute for Humane Education
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind, and The Power and Promise of Humane Education
My TEDx talk: “The World Becomes What You Teach

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New Year’s Resolution to Stop Complaining: Update #3

Believe it or not my inner complainer was in full bloom during a nine-day vacation in Belize. Yes, when I was at my most privileged – getting to snorkel and scuba dive at a remote atoll – I was complaining (and not always to myself!). So much for my New Year’s resolution. And what was my inner complainer harping upon? Mostly the weather (it was cloudy, cold and windy almost every day), but also the food (despite assurances, they did not have any vegetarian entrees, so I had a lot of mashed potatoes and coleslaw). I had one truly justifiable complaint – the owners of the island on which we stayed were nasty to their employees and treated them terribly disrespectfully – but really, the weather?

I think my inner complainer was so alive and active because of how many expectations I had wrapped up in the trip. I envisioned calm seas, sunny days, and warm weather during which I’d snorkel for hours. Normally, I don’t “look forward” to vacations, but this trip to Belize was fraught with hopes and dreams and visions of what it would be like. When my expectations weren’t met, I was disappointed.

This was such an important reminder to stay present, shelve expectations as they pop into my mind, and meet what appears in life with acceptance. My friend Erica, who had joined me on the trip, had such a good attitude. The “bad” weather didn’t bother her a bit. She was happy to knit if the weather was too cold and the seas too rough for snorkeling. I marveled at her lovely and impressive equanimity.

I need to work on my New Year’s resolution more resolutely, and I think that I’ll begin by focusing on what is most good, instead of what is most disappointing. This is a new twist on the MOGO principle that I would do well to cultivate. I think it’s also time to add to my New Year’s resolution not just a negative imperative (stop complaining) but a positive invitation (cultivate gratitude).

Please wish me fortitude and continued perseverance!

By the way, lest you think I was a grumpy complainer the whole trip, please stay tuned for more blog posts on the amazing and wonderful experiences I had in Belize.

Zoe Weil
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind and Claude and Medea

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Who Benefits From Roman Polanski’s Arrest?

I’ve been reading many opinions about Roman Polanski’s recent arrest for his admitted statutory rape of a 13-year-old girl, Samantha Geimer , over thirty years ago and his fleeing the country when his plea bargain seemed it might fall through. So many people have come to Polanski’s defense. One op-ed in particular, written by Robert Harris, friend of Polanski and author of the book, The Ghost, for which Polanski directed the movie version, offers unequivocal support of the director and ends his op-ed with this:

“But Ms. Geimer wants it dropped, to shield her family from distress, and Mr. Polanski’s own young children, to whom he is a doting father, want him home. He is no threat to the public. The original judicial procedure was undeniably murky. So cui bono, as the Romans used to say — who benefits?”

Great question. Let’s look at it through the lens that asks: ‘What does the most good and the least harm to ourselves and others?’ At first glance, Robert Harris has a point. The victim doesn’t want Polanski arrested, tried, and brought to justice; Polanski certainly doesn’t want to be arrested and face the legal consequences of his actions and nor do his fans, fellow directors, and myriad supporters. From a cursory view, it could seem so overblown at this point, which is probably why so many are saying things like, “It was so long ago.” and “He’s not a danger to society.” and “Even the victim doesn’t want him punished.”

But this is a dangerous way to answer the question “Who benefits?” If Roman Polanski were never arrested, these are some of the societal implications:

  • People in positions of fame, power, and wealth can successfully evade justice and garner international support at the same time. As Geraldine Ferraro wrote in a “Room for Debate” in the New York Times: “Too bad for Bernie Madoff that he wasn’t as smart as Polanski. He would have taken his wife, brother, nephew, sons and their families and a billion or two and gone to France to help their economy. Then when the Ponzi scheme was exposed, the French would have, if consistent, refused extradition. He could have stayed for the rest of his life in luxury. Just imagine.”
  • People who are raped, but who don’t want to go through the ordeal of confronting their rapists, can absolve them legally. While Polanski may never have raped again and may not be a danger to society, the precedent of leaving the trial of rapists solely up to the victim endangers all of us and shouldn’t be the criteria for whether to prosecute a rapist. For years, rape victims rarely spoke out because defense attorneys often eviscerated them, and juries let their rapists go free. The commitment of the state to prosecute rape despite the wishes of rape survivors provides greater protection to potential future victims.
  • There’s a time limit on justice. That would mean we shouldn’t bring to justice war criminals when we finally catch them decades after their atrocities. That means that if you can just flee long enough, you’re off the hook.
  • Fleeing is a reasonable and good option (provided you have the wherewithal to do so) and there are no consequences.

Who benefits from Roman Polanski’s arrest? We all do. We all benefit from a judicial system that prosecutes rape and ensures that those who evade justice are not successful. We all benefit when our legal system treats the wealthy and famous no differently than the poor and disenfranchised.

True, Polanski and his family don’t benefit directly from his arrest. Most of the time the families of people facing justice don’t benefit from the trial and potential incarceration or punishment of loved ones, but that’s a ridiculous criteria for bringing someone to justice, and even Polanski’s family ultimately benefits from the umbrella of a justice system that serves to protect us all.

If Ms. Geimer were glad to have her rapist arrested, I suspect that most of those supporting Polanski would be holding their tongues, even if they were secretly still dismayed at his arrest. They would likely realize that Polanski perpetrated a terrible crime against a girl and then used his privilege to flee and live a charmed life in France, and that if that girl, now woman, wanted her opportunity to see justice done, she should have it. That she doesn’t want this doesn’t change the fact that Roman Polanski committed a terrible crime against a girl and then used his privilege to flee and live a charmed life in France.

We benefit from living in a country in which those who perpetrate terrible crimes must face the consequences and those who flee justice can still be caught decades later.

~ Zoe

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